On Tuesday more milestones will be passed. Clea’s brothers will start Year 9 and Clea’s friends will begin Year 11 at new schools. And it will be 489 weeks since Clea died.
We’ve already had our 10th Christmas without Clea and she missed her 16th birthday. This year will mark 10 years without her. It doesn’t seem possible to have not seen my daughter for nearly 10 years. I think of her all the time so how could it be that I haven’t seen her for 489 weeks?
Time plods along and our lives move and meander. Over the past few years, I think I have moved from being a grieving mother who has no interest in life to a grieving mother who would like a life; I actually think that I might deserve a life even a good life.
I do not accept Clea’s death but I have learned to live with my pain. I seem to cry suddenly out of the blue and sometimes I am astounded that her beautiful life no longer exists. There are many people in my life, particularly at work, who did not know me before and, some who have no idea what I have been through. I tell some people and I don’t tell others, it depends.
I have been reaching out to others who have lost children trying to be a good listener, if possible. I don’t like to think of the pain these people are suffering especially those who are in the early years of grief when life is wrapped in mist and fog and nothing seems to make sense.
I still wish on stars for my daughter’s life. It’s a complete waste of time but I seem to like to do it. Often it’s at 5:30am when we go swimming or to the gym; it isn’t very often at night (not with long summer evenings anyway).
I am trying to focus on my work and be a better manager of staff. I’ve decided that it’s not my career anymore that needs support, it’s the careers of those who follow me. I am trying to support as many young women as I can; after all, it’s time to stop old men making all the decisions.
I am hoping that this year (2019) brings me some happiness and a little bit of peace. I am hoping that my sons emerge from their teenage angst (that may take some years yet). I am hoping that my husband finds some peace within himself. I am trying not to dwell on the past but I do hope that seem people have a shit year and that karma gets them in the end.